Friday, March 16, 2012

DOUBT

Standing on the bed of stones with closed eyes,
I retrospect my life from childhood through youth to the present.

From an unknown boy with no expectations to a busy person with weekly deadlines,
From disregard of innocence to the slight of wisdom,
I have come a long way, by yardsticks of achievements and successes, though not so long by yardsticks of age and experience.

Standing between these parallel tracks with closed eyes,
I seek the reason for standing here in the first place.

Seen through a third eye,
I should be happy and contented,
passionate and excited,
about the journey of life laying ahead.
But am I? Or is my smiling face pretended?

Ironically this question gives me the answer I seek.
It's DOUBT, from which I suffer.
That nagging second thought in my head,
attached with every phase and every thread,
of my existence.

Bringing hollowness to the moments of happiness.
Am I genuinely happy or is this a desperate attempt to drive out my inner sadness?

Bringing estrangement in the presence of companionship.
Am I really one of the herd, or an introvert parasite feeding on their affection?

Bringing phoniness to the moments of altruism,
Do I really care for the poor person, or is this just an act to satisfy my false pride?

Bringing emptiness to the joy of success,
Was I really better than my competitors or they didn't care to put in their full effort?

Putting obstacles in the path of my attempts,
Am I really passionate about them, or are these just whims of a dilettante at work?

Exasperated by the misery of my doubtful existence,
I stand here, on this deadly ballast with closed eyes as the passenger of death approaches,
To feel the sound vibrations of the pricking stones under my feet,
To hear the clear, piercing scream of the siren in my ears,
To feel the soft blow of the rushing wind on my face,
To feel the crunch in my bones upon the hit of the steel,
To see the stark flash of my body soaked in the pool of my blood,
To embrace the certainty of death.

2 comments:

  1. Hey,

    There is this famous zen quote, which I like a lot:
    "The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his education and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he is always doing both." - One of my favorite zen quotes.

    It says that the master of living finds no difference between his work and fun. I believe that work should be fun. Anything you do should be like that. It doesn't matter how your competitors are, or how you scored. It's just fun to live. That's it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes. I do agree. Nice words that you shared. By the way the poem doesn't reflect my thoughts an d the narrator isn't me.

    ReplyDelete